67th Annual Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner
As Chris Matthews said at the end - "Four for four. Four speeches, four good ones."
Held Oct 18th, this is a fundraiser for children's charities and other charities supported by the Archdiocese of New York. It is named after Alfred E. Smith, the first Catholic to run for president, who was defeated due to anti-Catholic biases, but who helped to open the door for Pres. Kennedy's successful bid.
"Top 10 excuses for Obama’s poor debate performance"
10. "I haven't slept an hour since 2008"
9. "Romney's hair is mesmerizing"
8. "Didn't want to wake Jim Lehrer (the moderator)
7. "Haven't been the same since I quit smoking"
6. "Honestly, I thought the debate was next week"
5. "I live with my mother-in-law, what do you want from me?"
4. "Kept blanking on what percentage of the country Mitt's written off"
3. "Skipped rehearsal, just like Letterman"
2. "Why don't you ask Bin Laden how I did?"
1. "It's Bush's fault"
Saturday Night Live's 1st Presidential Debate Spoof:
Aug 15, 2012
Quote of the Day:
"25 years ago we had Ronald Reagan, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
"Today we have Obama, no cash and no hope!"
Jul 21, 2012
"It's not only the English who have a sense of humor. The Scots do as well!
"This cartoon originated in Scotland ....
"It looks like most of the world is laughing at our nation's leadership!
"President Obama's approval ratings in foreign countries are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States ...."
Jul 17, 2012
"A leap second has been added to the world atomic clock. President Obama used the extra second to formulate his 2013 economic plan."
"President Obama just admitted the "biggest mistake" of his presidency. I guess he was lying 140 yards from the green and went with a 7-iron instead of the wedge."
"Because of his theory that wildfires are caused by climate change, a CNN reporter called Bill Nye "The Science Guy" "kooky." It's OK. Because it happened on CNN, only eight people heard it."
"More information is coming out about Robert Blake's recent appearance on the "Piers Morgan Tonight." At one point Blake was talking such nonsensical gibberish that Charlie Sheen had to be brought in to translate."
"An expert on the Mayan calendar says the world will not end in December 2012. Darn it. I wish this story had broken before I gave away all my earthly possessions."
"We're gearing up for the Olympic Games, a historical presidential election is around the corner and the Supreme Court just issued a landmark health care ruling. So you know the big story to the American people. That's right, Miley Cyrus has gone blonde."
"Bristol Palin's new Lifetime reality show focuses on her relationship with her boyfriend, who is said to be more intelligent than Levi Johnston. That rules out virtually nobody not named Curly, Moe or Larry."
"Minnesota Viking running back Adrian Peterson was arrested for resisting arrest in Texas. Good news for Adrian: It's only a misdemeanor. Bad news for Adrian: In Texas, that doesn't mean you can't get the death penalty."
"The nation's No. 2 football recruit has switched his oral commitment from Alabama to Auburn. A local sportscaster called on the Alabama fan base to get over the slight quickly, which is asking a lot of a fan base that hasn't gotten over the Civil War yet."
May 18, 2012
May 17, 2012
"According to a new study, coffee helps you live longer. Imagine if this is true. That means not only does that guy in the corner with his laptop at Starbucks never leave, but he's gonna be there for the next 75 years."
"Tubby the gorilla is back on display at the Henry Doorly Zoo after undergoing surgery for a broken jaw at the Nebraska Med Center. I'm happy to report that everyone is doing well, with the exception of the med center candy striper told to shave the patient in room 104 before surgery."
"An interesting stat: Statistically, Tubby has as much chance of deciphering his hospital bill as any other patient."
"This weekend, there's going to be an opportunity to view a once-in-50-years solar eclipse. While the eclipse is once in 50 years, the L.A. Clippers are in the second round of the playoffs, which happens only once in 75 years."
"According to a real estate website, the White House is worth $110 million. After hearing that, both Barack Obama and Mitt Romney said, "We're prepared to pay $500 million." "
"An Omaha woman is suing her plastic surgeon after breast-reduction surgery that she says left her with lopsided breasts. I predict that Channel 7 will cover this story nightly until its resolution in mid-2015."
"A high school baseball team in Arizona forfeited a state championship game because the opposing team had a girl playing second base. In a desperate attempt to get some wins, the Minnesota Twins are now looking for a female infielder."
"The team forfeited a state title because the opponent used a girl at second base. The idea was to teach the kids a life lesson. And that life lesson is: Adults are idiots."
"Sixty-nine people have applied to be the next police chief of Omaha. The applicants can relax - with the turnover in Omaha police chiefs, they'll all get a chance."
"I think Lee Terry's supporters are getting a bit cocky. After his primary win on Tuesday, the crowd was chanting "28 more years! 28 more years!" "
"In the primary, Terry defeated a former Husker football player and is now favored over John Ewing, who was a football star at Northwest High when Terry was equipment manager. A quick lesson for kids still in high school: this is frequently how things turn out in the real world, so be nice to the equipment manager."
"How about the image of Jon Bruning and Deb Fischer embracing? That Photoshop is amazing."
"In a show of party unity Wednesday, Fischer, Bruning and Don Stenberg met at Republican headquarters in Nebraska. Before the contest, they're blood enemies. Afterward, friends. A Nebraska Senate race is sort of like a less-dignified version of professional wrestling."
"In a show of Democratic unity, Bob Kerrey is planning to meet with his two biggest opponents in the primary, whoever those guys were."
"New York Assembly member Michelle Schimel is running for re-election against her estranged husband. I think I found the one campaign more contentious than the Nebraska Republican senate race."
"In Switzerland, it's time for the cow fighting festival. If cow fighting catches on in the U.S., football will soon be only the second-most-popular sport in Oklahoma."
May 16, 2012
Republican Governor and Democrat Mayor in NJ
"Deb Fischer is the Nebraska Republican Senate nominee. Fischer continues to push the fact that she's a rancher. Instead of a series of debates, she just challenged Bob Kerrey to a steer-wrestling and hog-tying contest."
"Fischer's ads portray her as a rancher/Second Amendment proponent. It was increasingly difficult as the campaign went on to tell the difference between a Deb Fisher ad and an episode of "The Rifleman." "
"Because of the all the polling places that closed, federal monitors were on hand in Omaha. That's when you know Omaha may have an election problem - you walk into a polling place in Benson and see Jimmy Carter."
"In a move that was simultaneously necessary and symbolic, on Tuesday I traced the proposed route of the Keystone XL pipeline to get to my closest polling place."
"Candidates are always try to spin things. For example, Don Stenberg patted himself on the back for his bronze medal-like performance."
"Rick Santorum received 14 percent of the vote in the Nebraska Republican presidential primary. Apparently, most of the votes were cast by people who haven't read a newspaper, logged on to a website or turned on a television for the past six weeks."
May 9, 2012
Quote of the Day: "Julia"
"What does it say about a president's policies when he has to use a cartoon character rather than real people to justify his record?" ~ Mitt Romney
May 3, 2012
"Because Warren Buffett is going to be tied up this weekend at the Berkshire Hathaway shareholder meetings, President Obama has graciously offered to step in and run the country for three days."
"A quick note to Berkshire visitors: It's not necessary to leave a wake-up call with the front desk. Thanks to thunderstorms we're now getting nightly, there are wake-up calls at 2, 3 and 5 a.m."
"After the Berkshire meeting, the Republican National Convention in August will be only the second-largest gathering of wealthy Americans this year."
"Berkshire shareholders will attend a fancy cocktail reception Friday evening at Borsheims in Regency Court. Meanwhile, Berkshire B class shareholders will receive 5 percent off at Culver's."
"The Omaha Lexus dealership is now featuring a $453,000 car for sale. Actually, it's a $100,000 car with a full tank of gasoline."
"Maybe if everyone in Omaha chips in, we can buy the car together."
"Los Angeles Angels pitcher Jered Weaver threw a no-hitter against Minnesota. Because it was against Twins hitting, it will go into the record books with an asterisk."